The Wretched Window
by Random Little Writer
Summary: Violet and Klaus fight over who gets what present, Aunt Josephine and Random become friends, Mr. Poe and the Gangster Gecko try to perform a grammatically correct rap song, and there is a lack of outside references.
1. A Delightful Old Fashioned Word

**The Wretched Window**

Disclaimer: _A Series of Unfortunate Events belongs to Daniel Handler._

Author's Note: _Who was waiting for Part III? I said, WHO WAS WAITING FOR PART III? I know I was! Also, my deepest apologies to people who like the outside references. There won't be any in this story. I was going to put some great ones in, but mean ol' Mr. Snicket threw a wrench in my plans. (Wait until Part IV. Then you'll get some references. Shh, don't tell Lemony.)_

* * *

**Chapter 1: A Delightful Old-Fashioned Word**

That confounded Lemony Snicket! How dare he tell me what to write! I'll show him…one day, _I WILL SHOW HIM!_

Violet Baudelaire, Klaus Baudelaire, Sunny Baudelaire, Mr. Poe, and the Gangster Gecko all stared at me oddly. By now they were used to me rambling on about things they didn't understand, but this rambling was stranger than usual.

"'Confounded'?" Violet asked. "Seriously, Random?"

Uh…yes. Confounded. It's such a delightful old-fashioned word, isn't it?

"Sure, Random," Klaus said, rolling his eyes. "Whatever you say."

"Hakkit?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "Hey, Random, why are you so against Lemony Snicket, whoever he is?"

It's a long story, Sunny. And speaking of stories, I have one to write.

How's it going, reader? I know it's been a while, but lots of things have been going on in my life since I made my last documentation of a Baudelaire adventure. This is currently my third, and if you don't know the story so far, I have two questions for you: _Why are you reading this? _and _Well, I should really tell you what's going on, shouldn't I? _I'm going to answer the second question for you, since I don't really have a good answer for the first question.

In my first story, we were introduced to Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, three brilliant (but abnormal, if you ask me) siblings whose parents died in a fire. They were sent to live with Count Olaf, a guy who wanted their fortune and nearly succeeded, but they got the better of him with their powers combined. In the second story, the children lived with a nicer relative named Uncle Monty, who had a lot of talking reptiles, including the Gangster Gecko. Monty's dead now, thanks to Olaf, who got away. Oh, yeah, and the Baudelaires are being "helped" by Mr. Poe, a banker who thinks he's a gangster. The Gangster Gecko became his new best friend. And I think that's about it for introductions.

No, wait, there's one more. I'm Random Little Writer (not my real name, but I'm not stupid enough to give my real name out), the writer of this story, and I'll be popping in to make comments from time to time. And _now _the introductions are finished.

When we left off last time, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had been standing near the smoking remains of Uncle Monty's destroyed house, wondering what would happen to them next. Mr. Poe and his gold Mini had arrived, and poor Poe was now throwing up on the ground. He and the Gangster Gecko had gotten into a car chase with Count Olaf and his hook-handed henchman, and while he didn't feel so good, the gecko felt great.

"So, what'd we miss?" the gecko asked the Baudelaires.

"Some guys came by and took all of Uncle Monty's reptiles," Klaus said. "And then they blew up his house."

The Gangster Gecko's eyes bugged out. "Man, that's just so not cool!" he said. "I oughta find those guys and give 'em a piece of my mind!"

"Well, you can't do that for several reasons," Violet said. She held up a hand and counted off the reasons on her fingers. "One, you don't know who they are. Two, you don't know _where _they are. Three, you can't possibly beat up a human. Four…" She paused, and then stopped talking altogether once she realized she didn't have a fourth reason. The Gangster Gecko smirked at her.

Once Mr. Poe had stopped throwing up, he walked over to the children with a big grin. "Wassup, guys?" he said. "I ain't seen you for a couple of days! How's it been?"

"Not good," Violet said.

"Kind of depressing," Klaus said.

"Crap," Sunny said.

Mr. Poe gave them a sympathetic glance. "Well, I'm sorry to hear it," he said. "I wish there was a way to make it up to ya…" Suddenly, he smiled broadly and started doing this weird little dance. "Homies, I got a _great_ idea!"

"Kill me now," Klaus muttered. Whenever Mr. Poe had a "great idea," it usually ended in disaster. The Baudelaires had come to expect it from him, and they weren't disappointed. Mr. Poe pulled out three bags of multicolored candies.

"Jolly Ranchers!" he said happily, handing a bag to each sibling. "They always cheer me up when I get down! Like when my lady or my boys dis my music, or when you guys dis my music, or when I'm sick, or if I've just puked a whole bunch…" He pulled out a fourth bag of Jolly Ranchers and started shoveling them in his mouth, wrappers and all. "My gecko homedog, you want some of these?"

"Heck yeah!" the Gangster Gecko said, crawling up Mr. Poe's leg into the bag of candy and devouring it all like there was no tomorrow.

Violet and Klaus looked into their bags with disgusted faces. Neither of them were very happy with the choice of candy because certain side effects occurred when they ate Jolly Ranchers: whenever Violet ate one, she threw up, and whenever Klaus ate one, he got diarrhea. Sunny had never eaten a Jolly Rancher because of the horror stories her siblings had told her. There was no telling what would happen to the youngest Baudelaire if she had one.

"What are you waitin' for? Dig in!" Mr. Poe said.

"No, thanks, Mr. Poe," Violet said. "We're going to wait."

"Yeah," Klaus agreed. "If we get hungry later on, we're going to want snacks, you know?"

Mr. Poe nodded slowly, seeming to understand their reasoning. "Okay, you wanna wait. That's cool. Now get in my pimped-out Mini, kids!"

Sunny snorted. "Morlupak," she said, which meant something like, "Just because the Mini's gold doesn't mean it's pimped-out."

"Where are we going?" Klaus asked.

The Gangster Gecko emerged from the bag, his cheeks stuffed with Jolly Ranchers. "I don't know 'bout you guys, but we gotta stock up on some more candy!" he said, sighing happily. "Ah, that was good eatin'!"

"Yeah, we gotta stock up, but I gotta get the kids to their new guardian first," Mr. Poe said. He faced the Baudelaires. "Guys, when I was havin' that car chase with stinky ol' Olaf and the hook guy, I got lost real quick, and so me and my reptile buddy try to find our way back to you, right? So we drive around for a while and we find this ol' house that's fallin' to pieces, and it's held up by stilts! So I get out of the car and knock on the door and this old lady answers, and I go, 'Lady, what's yo' problem? Even _I _ain't crazy enough to live in a house held up by stilts!' And she goes, 'Man, that's bad grammar! Fix your language!' And the weird thing about her was that she was _floatin'! _Floatin' right in the air! Ain't that weird? I thought she mighta been a ghost or somethin', but she told me—"

Mr. Poe's story went on and on, veering wildly off topic and then coming back to the original subject several times. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny felt their eyelids droop. The Gangster Gecko was listening intently.

"—and I was like, 'Your momma-in-law had one eyebrow _and _one ear? That's messed up!' And she was like—"

The Baudelaires were asleep by this point. A few years passed by.

"—she was lonely 'cause her man was dead and she didn't have no kids or cats or nothin', so I went, 'I know some kids that don't got a family! Ever heard of the Baudelaires?' And she said—"

A decade passed by.

"—and then I said, 'What? You don't like rap? You're missin' out, lady!' And then she started yellin' at me and—"

A century passed by.

"—then she was all, 'I'm afraid of kids! They might be mean and throw food at me!' So I said—"

A millennium passed by.

"—so she was like, 'Sure! I'll take them in! They sound nice!' And I said good-bye, got back in the car, and headed out," Mr. Poe finished. "Then I got some fast food and ate it all in one gulp, but it made me feel really sick! And I was so dizzy and not coordinated and stuff, and that's why my Mini looks a little less pimped-out and I puked when I got here." He glanced at the Baudelaires, hoping that they would clap and congratulate him on his epic speech, but they were sleeping. "Hey! Wake up, homies! WAKE UP!" He stomped his foot.

"HUH?" the Baudelaires yelled in unison, their eyes opening quickly.

"Man, you guys make a crappy audience," Mr. Poe fumed.

"Hey, dawg, _I_ was listening!" said the Gangster Gecko.

"So, uh, what happened after you found the old house?" Klaus asked.

Mr. Poe frowned. "You guys suck."

"Jaheeja!" Sunny said indignantly. She meant something along the lines of, "_We _suck? _WE _SUCK?! We're not the ones telling boring stories about stuff that nobody cares about, you idiot! Crawl back into the hole you came out of!"

"Sunny, calm down," Klaus said firmly.

"NO!" Sunny yelled, baring her teeth and hissing like a cat.

Violet picked her sister up and looked her in the eye. "Sunny, if you don't calm down, I swear to God that you'll never get that glittery purple teething ring you wanted for Christmas," she said in a low, dangerous voice.

Sunny's little jaw dropped open. "Pu…pulli?" she asked.

"Yes, I mean it," Violet said. "Are you going to behave?"

Sunny sighed. "Hainju," she said, which meant something like, "I'll be good."

Violet put her down. The youngest Baudelaire crawled over to Klaus and hid behind his legs, shivering, and he picked her up. Violet turned to Mr. Poe. "Unlike these two, I was actually only half-asleep," she said, gesturing to Klaus and Sunny, who glared back at her. "I heard something about somebody named Josephine. Is she related to us at all?"

"Yep," Mr. Poe said, relieved that someone besides his gecko pal had listened to his story. "You know a guy named Gregor Anwhistle?"

"Mom and Dad once told us we had a second cousin named Gregor," Klaus put in.

"Well, that guy had a brother, and that brother died," Mr. Poe went on. "Josephine is Gregor's brother's wife."

Klaus thought it over in his mind. "So…our second cousin's sister-in-law. That's kind of a mouthful, isn't it, Mr. Poe? Why do we have to go live with someone who's so distantly related to us?"

"'Cause I said so," Mr. Poe said smugly.

Klaus groaned. "Whatever. Let's just go." Still carrying Sunny, he walked over to the Mini and got in the backseat. Violet followed suit, and Mr. Poe and the Gangster Gecko got in the driver's seat. Mr. Poe turned his head to look at the children.

"Everybody got their Jolly Ranchers?" he asked.

"Yeah, we have them. Can we just go now?" Klaus said irritably.

Mr. Poe held up his hands. "Okay, okay. No need to be hatin', man." He started the car up and drove away from what was left of Uncle Monty's house. The Gangster Gecko crawled into the back and looked up at the Baudelaires from the floor.

"Hey, guys," he whispered. "Can I have some Jolly Ranchers? 'Cause I'm hungry, and no offense to my man, Mr. P., but it's gonna be forever till he finds a store so we can load up on more candy."

"Fine by us," Klaus said, throwing his and Sunny's bags of candy onto the passenger seat. Violet kept her bag because she thought it was the polite thing to do. The Gangster Gecko quickly uttered a thank-you and took his place on the passenger side, happily chowing down. Mr. Poe didn't notice anything, which wasn't much of a surprise.

Like many car rides, it was long and boring. Sunny decided to take a nap and was out like a light within two minutes. Violet and Klaus stared out the window. I cleared my throat loudly. I had an announcement to make.

"What do you want?" Violet asked.

I just wanted to tell you that there won't be any outside references in this story, so don't get worried if I don't make references to stuff.

"Yes!" Violet cheered, pumping her fist in the air and smiling. "Finally! There really is a God!"

Yep, and he's a dirtbag named Lemony.

An hour passed by quicker than anyone could blink, and it soon became clear that Mr. Poe had no idea where he was going. Since he'd stumbled upon Josephine's house by accident, he probably wouldn't be able to find it again. Being a smart guy, he pulled over and made everybody get out of the car. He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "TAXI!" endlessly for a good two hours or so. Because that's what you do, you know?

"TAXI!" he yelled as cars zoomed by without paying any attention to him. "TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI!"

"Hey! I'm offended by that!" said a morbidly obese woman wearing a yellow raincoat, who was walking down the street.

"Ain't talkin' to ya, lady!" Mr. Poe said. "TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAX—"

A taxi pulled up next to the Mini. The window rolled down and the driver stuck his head out. "You called?"

Mr. Poe was excited. "Man, this is so gangsta! A taxi that comes for ya after ya yell a buncha times!" he said. "I need ya to take these kids to their second cousin's sister-in-law's house! You know that one house that's held up just by stilts? The one next to that giant lake or whatever?"

"With a description like that, who _doesn't_ know it?" the driver said. "I can help you out. But you need to pay ten bucks."

"How 'bout ten Jolly Ranchers?" Mr. Poe asked. He took ten candies out of Klaus's bag and gave it to the driver. "'Cause I'm broke right now."

To everyone's surprise, the driver took the Jolly Ranchers, claiming they were his favorite candy. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny climbed into the backseat of the taxi, and Mr. Poe and the Gangster Gecko waved a quick good-bye before getting in the Mini and driving away. As the taxi traveled down the street, the Baudelaires were thinking about how Mr. Poe had claimed to lack money.

"He's a friggin' banker! How on earth is he broke?" Violet wondered out loud.

"Maybe his stupidity got worse, and he forgot how much money he actually has," Klaus suggested.

Violet shrugged. "Could be. I wouldn't put it past him."

Sunny was still asleep, so she didn't have an opinion.

The driver tried to make conversation with them. "So you're going to your…second cousin's house, was it?" he asked.

"Nope. Second cousin's _sister-in-law's _house," Klaus corrected.

"Wow. Distant relation much?" the driver said.

"No kidding," Klaus said.

Fortunately for the Baudelaires, the taxi driver was a lot less inept than Mr. Poe, and found his way to Josephine's house after just twenty minutes. The Baudelaires thanked the driver and stepped out, keeping their gazes on the house in front of them. It was a big, white, square building on top of a cliff, and was indeed held up by skinny stilts. The place looked as though whoever had built it had gotten bored with the whole thing and added the stilts due to a lack of ideas. The whole thing leaned to the side, like it would fall over the edge any second.

Sunny's eyes fluttered open suddenly and she gave a little yawn. She took one look at the house and immediately said, "Tobba," which translated roughly into, "This is gonna suck."

Violet ignored the remark and walked up to the door, with Klaus and Sunny just a little bit behind her. She knocked and the door opened instantly, revealing a tall, pale woman with small glasses whose white hair was in a poofy bun. But the thing that the Baudelaires thought was peculiar was that she floated about two feet above the floor like a ghost. They looked around to see if she was being supported by wires, but they couldn't find anything.

"Hello," Violet said.

"Hello," the woman replied. "You must be those Baudelaire children that man with bad grammar was talking about. My name is Josephine, but call me Aunt Josephine. I know I'm not your real aunt, but Aunt Josephine is a lot easier to say than Second Cousin's Sister-In-Law Josephine, isn't it?" She giggled.

The Baudelaires smiled a little. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. However, there was still one thing that bothered them…

"Aunt Josephine, why are you floating?" Klaus asked.

"Well, because I'm afraid of the floor," Aunt Josephine said. "I might fall through a hole or something. Now, please come inside. You might turn green from the chemicals in the air, like the Statue of Liberty." She floated back into the house.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny exchanged bewildered glances.

"This is going to be interesting," Violet said.


	2. Don't Do That!

**Chapter 2: Don****'t Do That!**

"And this is the radiator," Aunt Josephine said brightly, pointing to the device while keeping a safe distance away from it.

Sunny reached out to poke it.

"DON'T DO THAT!" Aunt Josephine shrieked, all but smacking the youngest Baudelaire's hand away. That had been her reaction every time one of the children tried to touch something. "It might explode, and we could all perish horribly in a fire! Do you want that to happen?"

The Baudelaires all thought back to when their own home had been destroyed by a fire.

"No," Sunny said.

"I thought so," Aunt Josephine said. She floated slowly over to the couch. "By the way, don't sit on this couch. You could fall off and break your neck. Also, if you sit on it too hard, you could break your tailbone."

Violet and Klaus rolled their eyes. It seemed like Aunt Josephine was afraid of everything in her house. The chandelier was scary because it could fall on you and kill you, the telephone was frightening because it might electrocute you, the computer was dangerous because the screen might shatter and pieces of glass could hit you, and pens and pencils were to be avoided at all costs because you could get stabbed in the eye and get ink or lead poisoning.

"And bookshelves might fall on top of you and crush you," Aunt Josephine finished out the paragraph. "The same goes for the refrigerator."

"Are we going to be allowed to use _anything_ in this house?" Violet asked.

"Maybe," said Aunt Josephine.

"You're not afraid of books, are you?" Klaus asked. "I like to read, and if I can't even touch a book, then I'll be SOL."

Must…resist…urge…to…make…outside…reference…

Aunt Josephine screamed and dove behind the horribly scary couch. "What was that voice? Am I going insane? Are there ghosts in here? I DON'T LIKE GHOSTS!" she cried.

No, no, I'm a real person. You're not going insane. _I_ might go insane, though, because I've been cooped up inside my freakin' house for almost all of Christmas vacation, and now one of the cars won't start.

"Do you three know the voice?" asked Aunt Josephine.

"That's Random Little Writer," said Violet. "She follows us around everywhere. Don't worry, she's pretty harmless."

"Oh," said Aunt Josephine, rising in the air and feeling a little less scared of me. "Well, do you know what SOL means?"

It means "sorry out of luck," I think. It just means that someone's not very lucky for some reason or another.

Aunt Josephine nodded in understanding.

"We seriously have to teach this woman about abbreviations," Klaus said.

"Puroy," Sunny said, which meant something like, "Trust me, I know."

"What did Sunny say?" Aunt Josephine asked. "I'm a grammar enthusiast, and as far as I know, 'puroy' isn't a word."

Well, Microsoft Word Processor doesn't recognize "puroy" as a word, so you're probably right.

"Sunny doesn't speak normally," explained Klaus. "Sometimes she'll say something like 'no,' 'maybe,' or 'sure,' but that's about it."

Aunt Josephine sighed. "Well, I guess I'll have to teach her to speak properly. The thought of babies running around using bad grammar gives me the heebie-jeebies." She shivered, but nobody knew whether it was due to the coldness of the house or the thought of babies with bad grammar.

Sunny hissed. "Ujun," she said, which meant, "Just because I have language issues now doesn't mean I'll have them all my life. I'm still growing, you know. So leave my speech patterns alone, or I'll show you heebie-jeebies!"

Klaus picked his little sister up and held her. "I think Random's temper is rubbing off on you."

What can I say? I corrupt people.

Violet was feeling rather ignored, so she decided to have some more dialogue. "Is there anything good in the fridge?" she asked. "I'm hungry, and I really don't want to resort to eating the Jolly Ranchers."

"NO!" yelled Aunt Josephine. "Have I taught you nothing? Don't go near the fridge! There's some desserts in there, but they might give us stomachaches, so there's no way I'm letting you eat them. We're going to have soup in a little while, anyway."

I know what you mean about the dessert thing. The last three times I got dessert from a restaurant, I ended up with a stomachache. That's why I never get dessert out anymore.

Aunt Josephine looked at the ceiling as if God had just appeared before her eyes. "Finally!" she said. "Someone understands my opinion on desserts!"

Believe it or not, I'm just as easily frightened as you. My parents also think I'm reclusive, even though I'm really not, but what do they know? (Mom, Dad, if you're reading this, don't be offended, and I am not a recluse. I AM NOT A RECLUSE, DANG IT!!!)

"People think I'm a recluse, too!" said Aunt Josephine. "But I'm just so afraid of the world. There are so many psychotic people out there…"

I'm afraid of people, too! We have so much in common!

"We should be friends!" Aunt Josephine said excitedly.

And friends we shall be! Now, Josephine, I've got a story to write. May we move on?

Aunt Josephine shrugged. "Okay."

The Baudelaires stared.

"Well, _that _was incredibly weird," said Violet. "So, Aunt Josephine, where do we sleep?"

Aunt Josephine floated over to a door and started pushing on the wood. "This is your bedroom, children," she said. "I'm sorry that you have to share a room, but as you can see, my house is tiny. There are presents waiting for you, so that should cheer you up." She made a pained face, as though pushing the door required a lot of work, and a few minutes later the door flew open. On one side of the room was a bunk bed with a ladder, and on the other side was a crib.

Violet elbowed Klaus. "I call the top bunk."

"No. _I _get the top bunk," Klaus argued.

"No, I do."

"_I _do."

"_I _do!"

"STOP IT!" Sunny yelled. Everyone stared at her, and she put on a look of innocence.

Aunt Josephine was cheerfully oblivious to the children's argument. "Violet, the top bunk is yours. Klaus, the bottom bunk is yours. Sunny, the crib is, of course, yours." She beamed at the children as if she'd just come up with a brilliant idea.

"Hifca," Sunny muttered, which meant, "_That_ figures."

Violet stuck her tongue out at Klaus, who just glared at his older sister.

Aunt Josephine floated to the top bunk and grabbed a flamethrower with a pink bow attached, then handed it to Violet. "Here's your gift, Violet! I didn't want to put any wrapping paper on it, because I was afraid it would fall off and and I would trip on it. Do you like it?" she asked.

"That makes no sense!" said Klaus. "You float in the air! How could you possibly trip over something?"

"You never know," Aunt Josephine said mysteriously.

"Thanks for the gift, Aunt Josephine," Violet said, absently stroking the flamethrower and looking genuinely happy. "It's great."

Aunt Josephine beamed, and floated over to the bottom bunk, picking up a Wal-Mart gift card. "This is for you, Klaus," she said. "What do you think?"

Klaus took the gift card, examining it. "Um, thanks," he said, but he was just being polite and really wanted Violet's flamethrower. His eyes kept wandering over to it, and Violet hissed at him and hid the flamethrower behind her back whenever she caught him.

Finally, Aunt Josephine floated over to the crib and grabbed a small pack of green Tic Tacs. "And these are for you, Sunny," she said, smiling and handing the pack to the youngest Baudelaire. "What do you think?"

"Neef," Sunny said, which meant something like, "I guess it'll do, but I really wanted a laptop."

"I knew you'd love it!" said Aunt Josephine. Sunny rolled her eyes, pulled out a Tic Tac, and started chewing on it. As she floated out of the room, Aunt Josephine said, "Dinner will be ready in a matter of minutes!" She shut the door behind her, leaving the children alone. Sunny seemed fairly content with her present, but Violet and Klaus were getting into a fight.

"I want that flamethrower," Klaus said. "You can have the gift card."

"No way," Violet said, holding the device to her chest protectively. "Aunt Josephine gave it to _me_. Plus, I'm older than you. Older children get all the cool stuff."

"I thought younger kids were supposed to get the cool stuff," Klaus said, looking puzzled.

Violet opened her mouth to argue, but decided to keep quiet and start thinking. For a few minutes, she and Klaus pondered whether older or younger kids were the ones entitled to cool stuff, then resumed their conversation.

"Why did Aunt Josephine give you a flamethrower, anyway?" Klaus asked. "She's afraid of almost everything in this house. I bet that flamethrower doesn't even work!"

"Don't be stupid. Nobody would give someone a present that didn't work," Violet said.

"Then test it out," Klaus said, folding his arms across his chest and looking at his sister expectantly.

Violet blinked in surprise, then pointed the flamethrower at Klaus's bunk and pulled the firing trigger. No flame came out. Her eyes widened and she kept pressing on the trigger, but nothing happened. Klaus smirked and Sunny ignored everything, still biting her Tic Tac.

The room was silent. Violet asked, "Klaus, can I have that gift card?"

"Nope." Klaus shoved the card into his pants pocket and blew a raspberry. Violet was not amused.

"Soup's ready! Come and get it!" Aunt Josephine yelled from the kitchen.

An incredibly disappointed Violet put her flamethrower on the floor, and she and her siblings went into the kitchen. Aunt Josephine put four bowls of chicken noodle soup on the table, along with spoons, three glasses of water, and a bottle of milk for Sunny.

"Foose," Sunny whispered to her siblings, meaning something along the lines of, "Apparently, she's not afraid of tables and chairs." Klaus chuckled, but Violet was still bummed out about her flamethrower and wasn't in the mood for jokes.

"I hope everyone likes soup!" Aunt Josephine said cheerily, coming down from the air to sit at the table. She smiled at the children, who took their seats.

"Is this stuff hot?" Klaus asked, peering at his bowl.

"No, it's cold," said Aunt Josephine apologetically. "I'm afraid that the microwave will come to life and strangle me with an electrical cord in my sleep."

Klaus and Sunny struggled not to laugh, but Violet was silent, staring sullenly at her cold soup. Finally, she looked up at Aunt Josephine expressionlessly. "Aunt Josephine, why did you give me a flamethrower that doesn't even work?"

Aunt Josephine frowned. "It doesn't work? Why, that flamethrower worked whenever my husband Ike used it! He was always into messing around with dangerous things—doing these weird scientific experiments and such. He said that if we ever had kids, he'd want at least one of them to follow in his footsteps. So, I gave you the flamethrower." She shrugged. "I have no clue how those kinds of things work. Maybe it's just not turned on."

"Was your husband a mad scientist or something?" Klaus asked.

"Not really. He just liked doing crazy things," Aunt Josephine replied.

Ike sounds just like my cousin. It's a shame they never got to meet—no, wait, I take that back. I'm glad they never met, actually. The world would have been in a lot of trouble.

"How did your husband die?" asked Violet, who seemed to have snapped out of her depression.

"One of his experiments left him blind and deaf, and somehow he jumped into the Lachrymose Lake, and…well…" Aunt Josephine tapped her fingers on the table, stalling on purpose and feeling uncomfortable with the subject. "The leeches found him. Let's just leave it at that." She sighed. "I can hardly even look at that stupid lake anymore, unless I'm looking through the Wretched Window in the library."

"Leeches?" Violet said, horrified.

"Library?" Klaus said, interested.

"Wretched Window?" Sunny said, perplexed.

"Yes," Aunt Josephine said, answering all three of their questions. "Let's go there now!"

Hey, did you guys know that if you eat a York peppermint patty, then eat a chocolate pudding cup immediately afterwards, the pudding tastes a lot like a brownie?

Everyone stared.

"Did we really need to know that?" Violet asked.

"It is…interesting," Aunt Josephine said.

Thanks. I just felt like sharing that with you.

"Whatever," Klaus said. "Let's go to the library, okay?"

Aunt Josephine started floating again and led the Baudelaires down the hall to a library that was almost as big as Uncle Monty's, but nowhere near as big as the library the Baudelaire family had back in the day. Wide, towering bookshelves spread all around the room and were stuffed to the brim with books big and small, thick and thin, heavy and light. Ever so eager, Klaus dashed up to a random shelf and began to scan the spines, but ended up disappointed when he found out all the books had to do with the boring topics of spelling and grammar.

"Does _every _book in this library have to do with grammar?" he asked in a whiny tone. Aunt Josephine nodded and smiled in reply, unaware of the boy's discontentment.

Sunny noticed a gigantic window right in between two bookshelves, smack in the center of a wall. "Wrick!" she shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "This must be that Wretched Window you were talking about earlier!"

Aunt Josephine sighed and gazed sadly out the huge window. "Yes, this is the Wretched Window," she said.

"Why is it called the Wretched Window?" asked Violet. "Wouldn't the Wide Window be more appropriate, and a lot less upsetting?"

"'Wretched' is another word for 'miserable,'" said Aunt Josephine. "It fits the way I felt when Ike died, and the way the Lachrymose Lake itself makes me feel. I thought it was a fitting name."

"If it makes you so miserable, why do you look at it?" Klaus asked. He was feeling a little miserable himself, since there were no good books to read.

"Well, it doesn't make me _totally_ miserable," Aunt Josephine said. "It makes me think of Ike, and I like to think about him. Wherever he is now, he's probably blowing something up. He was crazy…" She sighed again, this time in a happy, dreamy way. "But I loved him."

"Yeezik," Sunny remarked, which meant something like, "If you ask me, he wasn't the only crazy one in that marriage."

Violet and Klaus laughed uproariously at their sister's comment.

"Don't do that!" snapped Aunt Josephine, sounding less panicky and more annoyed. "I'm trying to enjoy and hate a view at the same time, and it's not easy with a bunch of kids laughing!"

The Baudelaires took a step back.


	3. I'm Going To Be Seasick

**Chapter 3: I****'m Going To Be Seasick**

To say that the Baudelaires weren't exactly enjoying themselves at Aunt Josephine's place was an understatement. Aunt Josephine was a lot nicer than Count Olaf and had every intention of keeping them safe, but she was also one of the weirdest people the kids had ever met. She was a simple woman who didn't use very many resources, but at the same time, her fear of everything, her love for her late husband, the fact that she had a flamethrower, and her love/hate relationship with Lake Lachrymose and the Wretched Window made her rather complex. It was incredibly confusing.

Most of the time, though, Aunt Josephine kept her confusing complexity out of the picture. The Baudelaires simply found her incredibly _boring_. When she woke them up and ushered them to the kitchen for breakfast, what was the first thing she talked about? Grammar.

"Now, children, there are _millions _of grammar rules you have to remember," she droned on as the Baudelaires ate. "One of the frequently forgotten rules is the difference between 'its' and 'it's.' When you say 'its,' you're indicating that something belongs to something else, as in, 'The dog was hungry, and its eyes were sad.' But if you're going to say 'it's,' you're indicating that—"

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny tuned her out and kept their eyes on their breakfasts of runny oatmeal and orange juice, which suddenly seemed more interesting. Suddenly, Aunt Josephine floated away to take a bathroom break. (She was deathly afraid of the toilet, because aliens might pop out of it, but she always seemed to forget that fear when she had to use it.)

"Kruska!" Sunny shrieked, spraying oatmeal everywhere. She meant something along the lines of, "Thank goodness! I thought that would never end!"

"I wonder how her husband could stand to listen to her," Klaus mused, taking a sip of orange juice. He shrugged. "To each his own."

"This stuff tastes like crap," Violet muttered, swirling her oatmeal around with her spoon.

"I'm _baaaa-aaaack!_" Aunt Josephine sang out, floating back into the kitchen. "Where did we leave off? Ah, yes, the wonders of adverbs…"

After breakfast, the grammar torture didn't let up. Aunt Josephine whisked the poor kids to the library, which, of course, was full of books about nothing but grammar. She pulled out a book called _The Correct Spelling and Pronunciation of Every Word in Every Language Ever _and started reading random selections from it. She was lost in the book instantly and it became clear that she was reading it more to herself, so the Baudelaires passed the time by talking.

"Hey, Violet," Klaus said. "I know you can't use the flamethrower to flame people, but maybe you could take it apart and figure out how it works. Who knows? Maybe you could even get it to work again."

Violet nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

"Gifijids," Sunny said, which meant something like, "If you get the flamethrower to work again, can we burn that book that Aunt Josephine's reading?"

"Sunny, would you stop being so violent?" Klaus said sternly.

"Hulpo!" Sunny protested. She meant something along the lines of, "Hey, I just want to see her reaction!"

Violet and Klaus ignored her and started a different topic. Sunny crossed her little arms and sulked.

When their early-morning grammar lesson session was over, the Baudelaires would be left to amuse themselves until lunchtime. They hoped that Aunt Josephine would spare them during lunch, but that didn't happen.

"Remember, pronunciation is everything!" the floating Grammar Nazi said. "When you see the word 'gym,' as in 'gymnasium,' it's pronounced like the name Jim…"

The Baudelaires all stared at each other, as if to say, _One of us had better do something._

Luckily for them, Aunt Josephine didn't take them to the library for an afternoon session of hammering grammar into their heads. The Baudelaires congregated in their room and tried to think of ways to get their new guardian to ease up on the lessons.

"Do you think we could make her help me with the flamethrower?" Violet asked.

"Moop," Sunny said, which meant something like, "Nah, she'd be all like, 'But I might accidentally burn myself!'"

"What if we made her try to use the oven?" Klaus asked. "You know, to conquer her fear…?" His eyes widened and he snapped his fingers, as an excellent idea had popped into his head. "I got it! We should help her conquer all of her fears, one by one, starting with her fear of the floor!"

"No, she's way too stubborn for that," Violet said.

"Yeah, I guess so." Klaus shrugged.

Sunny rolled her eyes. "Miki _suka?_" she said, which meant something along the lines of, "Do the words 'force' and 'threaten' mean _nothing _to you two?"

Klaus sighed. "Sunny, can you think of _anything _that doesn't involve forcing, threatening, or any combination thereof?"

"Nakawara," said Sunny, which meant something like, "Okay, jeez. Don't use the big words on me. Um…how about we just get her out of the house? Like, make her go to the grocery store or whatever?"

"That's a good idea," Klaus said, nodding approvingly. Sunny smiled proudly.

"Yeah, but a lady _floating _around a grocery store isn't going to go over well with other people," Violet said.

Sunny glared at her sister and narrowed her eyes. "Lurka," she said in a low, dangerous voice. She meant something along the lines of, "Look, woman, I'm having a moment of glory. Don't ruin it for me."

"Whatever," Violet said, rolling her eyes.

"DINNER TIME!" Aunt Josephine called cheerily from the kitchen. Violet and Klaus squeaked and covered their ears, but Sunny didn't seem disturbed by the noise.

"Go," she said, poking her siblings. Klaus picked her up and the trio went to the kitchen for a dinner of cold pizza and chocolate milk.

"Hello, kids," said Aunt Josephine, who was gently nibbling on her cold pizza. "I know children like pizza, but since I hate using the microwave, I decided to just eat it cold. It beats chilled cucumber soup, right? Also, don't you think cold pizza tastes good?"

Violet tentatively bit her cold pepperoni pizza. She shrugged. "It's not that bad."

"I actually like cold pizza," Klaus admitted shyly, chowing down on his cold cheese pizza.

"Flarf," Sunny said dejectedly, staring at her cold anchovy pizza. She meant something along the lines of, "I want _hamburger _pizza."

The children waited until everyone had finished dinner to tell Aunt Josephine their plan, but she started talking before they could. "I know our meals here haven't been the best, so I wanted to make it up to you," she said. She floated under the table and pulled out a carton of chocolate ice cream. "Here, eat right out of the carton! And for the really daring, use these!" She handed each child a spoon.

"Holy crap! This is awesome!" Violet cried joyously, digging into the ice cream with her spoon.

"Whoa, Aunt Josephine! Thanks!" Klaus yelled happily, also digging in.

"Woo-hoo!" Sunny shouted, throwing her spoon to the floor and using her hands to shovel the delicious stuff into her mouth.

Aunt Josephine didn't join in because she was afraid of spoons, and the Baudelaire children's battle for the ice cream was getting quite ferocious. For about thirty minutes the children were looking only into the carton, devouring their treat like it was going out of style. Finally they emerged, their faces covered in chocolate.

"Oh, jeez, I have a bellyache," Violet groaned, clutching her stomach.

"Yeah, same here," Klaus agreed, falling backwards off his chair.

"Yuka!" Sunny cried, pumping her fists in the air. She meant something like, "Yeah! Woo! Bring it on! Encore, encore!"

Their stomachs were satisfied and they were so tired that they wanted to go to bed early. Aunt Josephine decided to skip the late-night grammar lesson and let the children go to sleep. Sunny was still wired from her sugar rush, but she eventually gave in to fatigue. The Baudelaires had forgotten all about their plan, but nobody cared at the moment, so they slept peacefully.

Until the next morning, that is.

"Guys! GUYS! WAKE UP! WE FORGOT THE PLAN!" Violet shouted, shaking Klaus awake. He covered his head with his pillow, groaning.

"Terfka," Sunny said groggily, which meant, "Calm down, Violet."

Violet gritted her teeth. "Don't either of you remember our plan?"

"What plan?" Klaus said, one eye peeking out from underneath the pillow.

"_The plan_," Violet said testily.

"I still don't know what you're talking about," said Klaus.

Violet threw up her hands in annoyance. "The plan to get Aunt Josephine out of the house! _Duh!_"

"Oh, you mean Sunny's plan," Klaus said, but soon realization dawned on him and he jumped out of bed. "Oh, no, you're right! We completely forgot!"

Sunny shrugged. "Glog," she said simply, which meant something along the lines of, "Don't panic, guys. We'll just tell her today."

That seemed to calm both her siblings down, and they resolved to tell Aunt Josephine about their plan as soon as breakfast was over. The Baudelaires slouched into the kitchen, as their bodies wanted to sleep while the rest of them was ready to get things done. Slices of bread and butter and glasses of orange juice were already put on the table, and Aunt Josephine was finishing off a slice of bread while floating.

"Good morning, children," she greeted. "What shall we discuss today? The difference between proper nouns and common nouns, the usage of conjunctions, or the correct placement of an apostrophe? Each topic excites me so!" She was positively glowing. The Baudelaires glanced at each other, then Violet cleared her throat.

"Uh, well, Aunt Josephine," she began, "if it's okay with you, we'd rather talk about something besides grammar today."

Aunt Josephine gasped, nearly choking on her bread. She managed to swallow her food and say, "Not talk about grammar? But—but I'm _teaching _you! Not only that, but I'm _helping _you! Some kids just don't get this kind of help! Did you know there are thirteen-year-olds out there who don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'?"

"Are you serious?" Violet asked, momentarily forgetting the plan. "What morons!"

Trust me, you don't know morons till you've been to my school.

Ignoring my comment, Klaus said, "Aunt Josephine, we just wanted to ask you if you would like to get out of the house."

"Out of the house?" Aunt Josephine repeated, her face becoming white and her eyes getting as wide as saucers. "_Out _of the _house? _You must be insane! There are so many horrible things and people out there! Not to mention The Great and Terrible Hurricane is scheduled to arrive any day now!"

"What's The Great and Terrible Hurricane?" Violet asked.

"Exactly what it sounds like," said Aunt Josephine. "Although it's sometimes known as Joe."

"Well, why don't we go to the grocery store and stock up on food before Joe comes to town?" said Klaus.

At first, Aunt Josephine stared at him like she thought he was crazy, but she thought about what he said and nodded slowly. "All right. I see your point. I guess it can't hurt." She floated off to another room for a moment, soon returning with four coats and tossing the three small ones to the Baudelaires. "Are you three up for a long walk?"

"Walk?" Sunny said quizzically.

"Don't you have a car or something?" asked Klaus.

"Look, I'll go to the grocery store, but asking me to use a car is too much!" Aunt Josephine snapped.

The Baudelaires dropped the matter and donned their coats, following their floating guardian on the walk to the grocery store. Aunt Josephine had not been kidding when she said it was long—it took about two hours to walk all the way there. By the time they reached the store, the Baudelaires wanted nothing more than to rest. Sunny wasn't tired, though, because she'd been carried all the way by Violet, so only the two older Baudelaires were tired.

"So, what aisle do you want to go in first?" Klaus asked, out of breath and trying to take his mind off of that fact.

"Well…" Aunt Josephine rocked back and forth on her feet, if such a thing was possible in the air. "I've _always_ wanted to try this recipe for cold lime stew…"

"Sounds like cra—" Violet began, but Klaus elbowed her. "I mean, that sounds delicious! I love cold limes. Yum." She rubbed her stomach hungrily.

Aunt Josephine smiled radiantly and clapped her hands together like a giddy schoolgirl, then floated off to the fruit and vegetable section. Nobody around them seemed to care or notice that there was a floating person in their midst, which helped ease Violet's worries. The Baudelaires decided that their plan was going well and sneaked off to the candy aisle to buy celebratory treats, but there was a very tall person standing in front of a shelf they were eyeing.

"Can you get out of the way, please?" Klaus asked.

The person—a man—turned around and flashed the children a brittle smile. He wore a blue sailor suit and matching hat, an eye patch over his left eye, and had only one long eyebrow instead of two. One of his legs was replaced by a plank of wood. "Make me," he said, and the Baudelaires immediately felt chills down their spines for some reason they couldn't quite place.

"Do we know you?" Violet asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope," said the man. He turned away from her and looked back at the chocolate on the shelves.

But that was all the evidence they needed. The Baudelaires' mouths fell open as the man's voice triggered horrible memories that none of them wanted to experience ever again. The reason for their chills suddenly became clear. Not to mention they would know that eyebrow anywhere.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Violet, who forgot all about Aunt Josephine and ran away.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Klaus, who forgot all about the chocolate and ran away.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Sunny, who couldn't run away because she was being carried, so she made up for it by flailing her arms all around.

"Took you long enough!" screamed Count Olaf, who didn't need to run away. Yet.

The children ignored his comment and continued running and screaming, getting strange looks from a variety of other shoppers, pausing only because Aunt Josephine flew over to them and kicked them in the face on accident. "Kids, what's wrong?" she asked, clutching a bag of limes.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all started blathering at once in a panicked manner.

"All right, all right! Settle down!" Their guardian held up her free hand. "Were you approached by a guy dressed as a Twinkie? Don't be ashamed. I'd be scared, too." Her eyes got big and she twitched violently.

Violet and Sunny just stared at her.

"No, it wasn't a Twinkie guy," said Klaus. "It was Count Olaf!"

"_WHAT?_" Aunt Josephine shrieked, not caring that they were in public. "Oh, no! Where is he?" She looked around fearfully, as though Count Olaf were sneaking up on her at that very moment.

"Come on!" Violet said, grabbing Aunt Josephine's hand and pulling her through the air to the aisle where Count Olaf had supposedly been, with Sunny in her other arm and Klaus right behind them. Olaf was still there in front of the chocolate. Sunny pointed at him, and Violet yelled, "THERE!"

Count Olaf turned to face the four people, smiling gently. "Can I help you with something?"

Aunt Josephine blushed in embarrassment. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir! These kids here thought you were someone else," she said. She turned to the children. "I don't see any Count Olaf anywhere. This man looks like an ordinary sailor to me."

"That's right," said Count Olaf, tipping his hat in an melodramatic way. "Captain Sham. Nothing extraordinary about me, kids."

"Hivoori," Sunny said, which meant something like, "You can say that again." Her siblings giggled. Aunt Josephine gave the children a warning glance, then looked apologetically at Captain Sham.

"I'm sorry, once again," she said, with a brief roll of her eyes. "I think they're hallucinating. My name is Josephine Anwhistle, by the way."

Captain Sham eyed her with false interest and said, "Say, I noticed that you're floating. That's quite an amazing accomplishment, and for someone so young!"

"Why, thank you!" Aunt Josephine replied, the hint of a giggle in her voice. "Actually, I'm nowhere near as young as you think I am, but I live by the lake and people tell me it makes me look ten years younger—and takes some of the weight off."

"I'm going to be seasick," Klaus said, and he wasn't being sarcastic.

Violet felt pretty disgusted by all this flirting, too, but she tried her best to ignore it. "Aunt Josephine, that guy's Count Olaf! He's lying to you! He's a liar! A faker! A—a _sham_." She smirked at Captain Sham after making such a brilliant play on his name. He gave her the briefest and yet creepiest of glares.

"If you think I'm lying, here's my business card." The fake captain pulled out the aforementioned card and gave it to Aunt Josephine, who studied it intently. Being a somewhat slow reader, it took her a while, but she was completely flabbergasted when she was finished.

"Captain, I hate to be rude, but what in God's name is up with your handwriting?" she said. "It has to be the worst I've seen in a while!"

Captain Sham frowned.

"See?" Violet said. "Count Olaf has bad handwriting. That proves he's lying."

"Well, not necessarily," said Aunt Josephine. "Quite a few people have bad handwriting, but with the proper help, they can learn to overcome it. Perhaps I could give you some writing lessons, Captain Sham." She smiled brightly, thinking it was the best idea in the universe.

"Yeah. Uh-huh." Captain Sham tried to smile back, but he definitely wasn't looking forward to being told how to write.

"Eye!" Sunny cried suddenly, after having been in deep thought for a few minutes. She meant something along the lines of, "Count Olaf has that eye tattoo, guys! Look for it! Jeez, am I the last observant person left on this earth?"

"Count Olaf has an eye tattoo on his left ankle," Klaus translated, still sounding sick.

A lone tear came to Captain Sham's eye, and he looked away into the distance. "That man is lucky, whoever he is," he said quietly, as sad violin music mysteriously began to play somewhere in the background. "You see, children, Ms. Anwhistle…" He lifted his left pant leg. "I don't even have a left leg. The Lachrymose Leeches chewed it off while I was eating ramen noodles in the middle of a thunderstorm while taking a boat ride. If only I had listened to the warnings of others…" He burst into theatrical tears that were quite impressive, seeing as he was creating them by pinching himself very hard in the butt.

"Oh, my goodness! The leeches ate my blind, deaf, half-crazy husband as well! You poor, poor man!" Aunt Josephine wailed, wrapping Captain Sham in a hug.

The Baudelaires groaned and stalked off to the bathroom, but their sulking time was interrupted as Klaus made good on his promise to be seasick.


	4. I Don't Want Excuses

**Chapter 4: I Don't Want Excuses**

Hmm…a bathroom, a girl with a ribbon in her hair, a baby, and a boy throwing up. I feel like I've been here before.

Violet and Sunny, who were sulking and desperately trying to block out the sounds of their brother vomiting, looked up at the sky when they heard my voice. Sunny's eyes popped out of her skull, and Violet just gaped as she stared at the tiles on the ceiling. "Random?" she asked. "Random Little Writer, is that really you? Where the heck have you _been?"_

Well, I've had a long, strange journey filled with apple juice, dirty jokes, and Auto-Tuned songs. After my last plot to take over the CIA was foiled, summer came and went, then I started a new school year, and the _Twilight _books were controlling the weather, I fell in love with the _Hunger Games _series, had my first real crush in a long time (but now we're just friends), wrote a bunch of spoofs, got sidetracked and daydreamed about some handsome actors, got a cell phone for Christmas, drank some really good apple cider, made friends with some bizarre and awesome people, watched YouTube videos like crazy, discovered some awesome shows on Comedy Central—

"WE DON'T WANT EXCUSES!" Klaus screamed suddenly, finally getting his head out of the toilet and wiping some icky residue from his mouth. "Do you realize how long I've been in this bathroom? I've been throwing up since the end of Chapter Three, when you _abandoned _us for _months_ and you JUST NOW want to come back?"

Oh my God! Klaus, you've been throwing up all this time? Are you anorexic or something?

Klaus was caught off guard for a second, then found his voice again. "What?" he spluttered. "No, no! I'm not anorexic! I got sick because Count Olaf was in disguise, and he was flirting with Aunt Josephine—"

I DON'T WANT EXCUSES, BOY! EAT SOMETHING, YOU FOOL!

Klaus whimpered and walked out of the stall where he'd been emptying his stomach for the past gazillion months. Violet was tapping her foot impatiently. "Well? Are you finally done?" she asked, exasperated.

"Yeah, I'm done," he said. "Let's go."

The Baudelaires went out of the bathroom and headed back to the aisle where Count Olaf—er, I mean, _Captain Sham _and Aunt Josephine were. When they left, Aunt Josephine had been comforting Captain Sham with a hug as he fake-cried his way through a made-up story about his missing leg. Now, it seemed ol' Shammy was better, and he and Aunt Josephine were having a nice conversation.

"So, how about that floating ability?" the Shamster said, trying to sound genuinely interested instead of freaked out. His eyes briefly glared up at the ceiling after he heard my nickname for him. "I've never met anyone who could do that. Have you floated your entire life?"

"I didn't float when I was younger," Aunt Josephine was saying. "That only came about after my dear Ike died, when I decided I was afraid of the floor. Then without warning, I just rose from the ground. I've been able to do it ever since—oh, hello, kids!" She noticed the Baudelaires walking toward them, and waved enthusiastically. Sham-a-lama-ding-dong grimaced, first at them, then up at the sky.

"Do you _have _to give me stupid nicknames?" he hissed.

Hey, I have a medical condition that forces me to give people stupid nicknames! If I don't do it, I could _die! _Is that what you want? Do you want me to die?

Captain Sham opened his mouth to speak.

DON'T ANSWER THAT!

Captain Sham shut his mouth and crossed his arms, fuming like a five-year-old. The Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine stared at him in concern. Well, Aunt Josephine was concerned. The Baudelaires just tapped their feet impatiently. They didn't want to spend a million more months waiting for Shamboy to stop arguing with me.

"Aunt Josephine, can we leave now?" Klaus asked. "I'm done throwing up."

"That's what you were doing all this time?" Aunt Josephine said incredulously. "I thought you just had diarrhea."

Violet and Sunny facepalmed.

"Well, no matter!" Aunt Josephine said, back to her cheery self. "I suppose we really should get going. I finally used my coupon for lime gruel, and I can't wait to try it for dinner tonight!"

I was feeling kind of left out. Josephine, you didn't notice who came back?

"Oh, I noticed," Josephine said, looking up at the sky to address me. "The Baudelaires came back from the bathroom."

Yeah, but who ELSE came back?

"Um…" Josephine searched her brain. "Oh, I get it now! Hi, Random!" She waved at the sky. Other people in the aisle stopped and stared at the crazy floating woman, then shrugged and went back to their business.

Yeah, hi.

"Who cares about _her?" _Captain Sham sneered. This comment made me very angry, so a hole opened up in the ground and mutant anacondas swallowed him up.

"YAY!" the Baudelaires cheered. Aunt Josephine screamed in shock. Unfortunately, it turns out we need ol' ShamWow for this story, so the anacondas barfed him back up and he landed on the grocery store floor with a loud thump. The Baudelaires glared up at me, but Josephine was happy.

Captain Sham wiped anaconda goo off himself and stared up at the sky in fear, then stammered, "Uh, what I _meant_ to say was, leaving so soon? Why not stay a little bit longer and talk some more?"

"I'd love to, but I can't," Aunt Josephine said sadly. "I _must _try that lime gruel!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but that actually sounds good," muttered Klaus. His stomach rumbled in agreement.

"Needa," Sunny said, shaking her head. She meant, "You must be getting desperate."

"Oh, well." Captain Sham shrugged. "It's okay. We can always meet up later. I have a feeling I'll be seeing you _very _soon." He looked pointedly at the Baudelaire siblings as he said this.

"In your nightmares," Violet snapped.

_"Violet!"_ Aunt Josephine shrieked in surprise. She turned to Captain Sham apologetically. "Forgive her, please. Actually, forgive all of us, for we must be going!" She waved at him awkwardly, using the hand that was holding all the groceries, while a really annoyed and really hungry Klaus dragged her off by her free hand. Captain Sham waved at them until they were gone, then rolled his eyes and walked off in the other direction.

Now, the only thing the Baudelaires were concerned about was getting as far away from Captain Sham as possible. They had forgotten about how they walked to the store instead of using a car like normal people, so two hours and one verbal lashing from Aunt Josephine later, everybody was completely out of breath as they walked (or floated) into Aunt Josephine's house.

"And that is why…you shouldn't…be…rude…to—" Josephine nearly finished her rant, but she was just as tired as the kids and decided to stop talking. Klaus let go of her arm, and she floated to the kitchen to prepare lime gruel. The Baudelaire sisters sat at the table glumly, but Klaus was alert and ready to eat. The rumbles of his empty stomach filled the entire house.

Josephine put four bowls of lime gruel on the table and sat down with the Baudelaires. Klaus devoured his dinner immediately, along with Violet's and Sunny's, since they really didn't want the nasty stuff. He jumped up from his chair and ran to the kitchen counter, digging into the huge pot of gruel like there was no tomorrow. While Klaus set about filling his stomach, Josephine tried to engage the girls in a conversation.

"So, that Captain Sham is quite the gentleman, is he not?" she asked with her usual energy, as though the exhausting rush back home hadn't happened. "And very handsome, too!" She giggled and got a dreamy look on her face, the way I did whenever I thought about a hot actor.

"Kroom," Sunny muttered, which meant, "Sure, if you have a thing for evil, lying freaks of nature."

Aunt Josephine didn't understand, so she blinked and glanced at Violet. "Er, well, what do _you _think of him?"

Violet sighed. "Jeez, how many times do we have to tell you? Do we need to have a seminar on this? Captain Sham equals Count Olaf! Get it through your head!"

"Captain Sham equals Count Olaf?" Aunt Josephine repeated, sounding confused. She cradled her chin in her hand and thought it over for a while, then asked, "Is this a math problem? I was never good at math…"

"Noshok," Sunny said, which meant something like, "I'm not surprised."

Violet bashed her head against the table. Sunny and Josephine glanced at her in alarm, and Klaus looked up from the gruel pot. "You don't get it, do you, Aunt Josephine? Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise! He's still after us and our fortune!"

Aunt Josephine glared at her. "Violet, why do you keep saying that about him? He and Count Olaf don't even look alike! Plus, his business card _clearly_ says he's Captain Sham!" She pulled out the business card that Sham had given her and shoved it in Violet's face. "Look at this. If he was Count Olaf, his business card would say Count Olaf, wouldn't it?"

"Well, he _is _that stupid," Klaus said from his spot by the pot. Heh. That rhymed.

"Don't tell me _you _think he's Count Olaf, too!" Aunt Josephine said.

Sunny sighed and patted Violet's arm. "Gouri," she said, which meant something like, "Give it a rest, Violet. She's not convinced."

Violet stared down at her empty bowl, irritated. Klaus stopped stuffing himself and brought over three more bowls, giving two to his sisters, who started eating with little energy. The Baudelaires and Josephine dropped the subject after that.

"So, how 'bout them Yankees, eh?" Klaus asked, trying to start a new conversation. His sisters and guardian just stared at him. He coughed awkwardly and went back to focusing on his gruel.

I have a laptop, everyone! Isn't that special?

"Nobody cares," Violet muttered dejectedly.

I care. I'm someone.

"Whatever."

Don't make me start spouting outside references again.

"You said you wouldn't make any references this time!"

"Violet, it's _Random_," Klaus said. "Since when has she kept a promise?"

"Now, don't go saying anything bad about Random!" Aunt Josephine cut in. "She's my friend, and I won't allow you to disparage her in front of me."

I stuck my tongue out. Violet and Klaus sighed. Sunny's face plopped into her bowl and she fell asleep. Everyone went silent again.

It didn't last, unfortunately. The telephone rang, making everyone jump. Aunt Josephine let out a screech and leaped very high in the air, hitting her head against the ceiling and dropping her bowl to the ground. Sunny woke up, her face covered in lime gruel.

"Gurpa?" she shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "Holy crap! Is the house on fire? Are there burglars here? I'll fight 'em!"

"It's just the phone," Klaus said. Sunny looked disappointed. She was really looking forward to fighting burglars.

"What should I do? What should I _do?" _Aunt Josephine wailed, her arms flailing around.

"Answer it!" Violet said.

"_Duh!" _Sunny added.

Aunt Josephine glanced nervously at the noisy phone, like it would come to life any minute and slap her or something. "But what if I get electrocuted?" she whined. "What if it's a realtor?" She gasped. "WHAT IF IT'S THE 800 SERVICE?" She covered her face with her hands.

Come on, Josephine! The 800 Service isn't evil or anything, it's just annoying. Plus, you can always prank them and say you're the pizza guy.

"But lying is wrong!" Josephine protested.

"Funny, she didn't seem too bothered when Olaf lied to her," Klaus muttered. Sunny snickered.

I ignored them. That's not the point here, Josephine! Answer the phone! Your life may depend on it!

"NO!"

"Ugh! Here, _I'll _answer the stupid phone," Violet grumbled. She stomped over to the phone and picked it up. "Yeah? What do you want?"

"'Sup? How's it hangin'?" said a wheezy voice on the other line.

Violet's blood turned cold. "Mr. Poe?"

"Huh?" said the voice. "No, it's not Mr. Poe. Trust me, I'd _never _sink to that idiot's level. Can you put that Josephine chick on the phone?"

If such a thing was possible, Violet's blood turned even colder and her body temperature dropped somewhere in the negatives. "Count Olaf," she said.

"Captain Sham, actually," said Count Olaf. Luckily, he was on the other line, so he didn't know I was calling him by his real name. "Put the old lady on the phone, would you?"

"Why should I?" Violet snapped.

Unfortunately for Count Sham, he wasn't getting the results he desired, so he had to resort to drastic measures. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Violet snorted. "Oh, yeah, that's going to make me listen to you," she said sarcastically, then hung up. She turned around and saw that Klaus, Sunny, and Aunt Josephine were all staring at her expectantly. She tried to think of a good lie to feed Josephine.

"It was…um…uh…" She tried to come up with something quickly before I could chime in with an illegal outside reference. "It was—your mom! It was your mom who called, Aunt Josephine." She put on a cheesy smile.

Aunt Josephine blinked, confused. "My mother's dead."

Violet's eyes widened and she scrambled to come up with something else. "Um, it was your dad, then."

Klaus and Sunny looked at each other hopelessly.

"Really?" Aunt Josephine's face lit up with joy. "How's he doing?"

"He's good," Violet said. Klaus and Sunny breathed a sigh of relief. Aunt Josephine bought the story.

Suddenly, Aunt Josephine did a very surprising thing. She dropped to the floor and bowed down to Violet repeatedly. "You picked up the phone!" she said. "You're the bravest person I know! Hail Violet Baudelaire!"

"Erna," Sunny remarked, which meant something like, "Well, I know who the _freakiest_ person is."

"What about Count Olaf?" Klaus asked.

Sunny thought about it. "Sefri," she said, which meant, "Okay, so she's just the _second _freakiest."

Trust me, you're going to meet a lot more freaky people in the future.

Speaking of freaky people and things, Violet noticed something odd. "Um, Aunt Josephine, aren't you afraid of the floor?"

Aunt Josephine stopped bowing down to She Who Picked Up The Phone, gazed down at the floor, then squeaked with fear and rose back up into the air. "Thank you for pointing that out! I might have fallen into a hole full of snakes, like Captain Sham!"

"You mean Count—" Klaus started.

"Don't start that up again,"Aunt Josephine said sternly.

Like the Baudelaires, I was getting rather sick of Josephine not being able to recognize a bad guy when she saw one. I took out my frustrations by making the phone ring again.

"Oh my gosh!" Josephine squealed with a mixture of surprise, fear, and excitement. Even though she was floating in the air, she drew herself up to full height and put on a stoic expression. "I've got to be strong. _I will answer the phone."_

Powerful, inspiring music played in the background. Violet stared at the phone, knowing it was Captain Sham again. "You sure you want to do that?"

"Now, Violet, I think you mean '_Are_ you sure you want to do that?' Don't leave out necessary words," Aunt Josephine said. "And yes, I want to do this. I must!" She floated over to the phone in slow motion. Violet and Klaus watched with bated breath. Sunny yawned.

Suddenly… Aunt Josephine grabbed the phone… and PICKED. IT. UP.

She put the phone to her ear and cheerfully said, "This is Josephine Anwhistle, how may I help you?"

OH. MY. GOD.

A random crowd of people cheered. Sunny flashed her teeth and scared them off. Violet fainted. Klaus just stared in shock.

"Oh, hello, Captain Sham!" Aunt Josephine greeted. "I didn't know I'd be hearing from you so soon!" She paused, listened, and blushed. "Thank you, Captain, such a nice comment—" She paused again and blushed even more.

"Bleck," Sunny said, which meant something like, "If they're flirting again, I'm gonna hurl."

Klaus handed her his empty gruel bowl.

"So, Captain Sham, what do you want to talk—" Aunt Josephine paused mid-sentence to listen. "Oh, sorry! So, _El Conquistador_, what do you want to talk about?"

"El Con-_what?" _Violet muttered, getting up from the floor and rubbing her eyes. "Is Olaf pretending to be Spanish now?"

"I hope not," Klaus said. "Although it would be pretty funny to watch him try speaking Spanish."

Sunny giggled. "Fail!" she said, which undoubtedly meant, "He'd probably suck at it."

All three Baudelaires suddenly cracked up as visions of Count Olaf failing at Spanish played in their heads. Aunt Josephine put her hand over the receiver and looked at the children. They stopped laughing and made their faces as grave as possible.

"Children, would you go to your room, please?" she asked.

"Oh, come on!" Violet complained. "You're going to punish us for _laughing?"_

Josephine looked confused. "What? No, that's just silly. Captain Sham—er, I mean El Conquistador, he wants me to call him by his old college nickname—has a surprise for you."

"What is it?" Klaus asked, expecting the worst.

"Now, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise," Josephine said. "Go to your room so El Conquistador and I can talk about it in private. He doesn't want you dropping eaves."

The Baudelaires just stared.

"Well, you heard me," Josephine said, a little miffed. "Go upstairs."

"Eavka?" Sunny asked, which meant something like, "Dropping eaves?"

"Don't you mean 'eavesdropping'?" Klaus asked.

Josephine frowned. "What did I say?"

"Dropping eaves," Klaus said.

Josephine shrugged and waved a hand at them. "Never mind that! Go upstairs and let me talk to El Conquistador. Shoo! Shoo!"

"Isn't she supposed to be the Queen of Grammar or something?" Klaus muttered as the Baudelaires walked up the stairs to their room. Sunny shrugged. Violet offered no answer.

They slammed the door behind them as soon as they entered their room. Violet sat down with Sunny on her lap, and Klaus flopped on the bed.

"Can you _believe_ that moron?" Violet grouched.

"Who, Mr. Poe?" Klaus guessed. "Aunt Josephine? Charlie Sheen?"

Violet facepalmed. "No! I meant Count Olaf!"

"Conqua," Sunny said sarcastically. She meant something like, "You mean _El Conquistador." _She and Klaus laughed, and even the grumpy Violet cracked a smile, but she quickly reverted back to Serious Mode.

"I can't believe he found us again," she said, glaring at the floor. "How does he keep finding us? Is Aunt Josephine a spy of his or something?"

"No, I don't think so," Klaus said. "She didn't seem familiar with him when we found him at the store."

"Wuka," Sunny said, which meant something like, "She could just be_ pretending_ not to know him."

"Aunt Josephine's too ditzy to make a good spy," Klaus insisted.

Hey, Sunny could have a point. Nobody suspects the ditz. It's a good strategy.

"Murf!" Sunny said, punching the air with her fist. She meant, "Yeah! See, even Random thinks I could be right!"

Klaus sighed. "Random, you're the author. Is Aunt Josephine a spy for Olaf?"

Well, I _really _shouldn't tell you this…

"Aha!" Sunny shouted triumphantly.

…but Aunt Josephine's not a spy. She's just a grammar-obsessed weirdo. Sorry, Sunny.

Sunny looked incredibly disappointed. "Nontress," she muttered, which meant something along the lines of, "Well, there goes her chances of being interesting."

Now that that was all squared away, Klaus tried to think. "What could Olaf's plan be?" he wondered out loud. "I hope he's not still interested in that Peru thing."

"Siku," said Sunny, meaning something along the lines of, "Maybe he wants to throw us out the Wretched Window."

"Then how would he get our fortune?" Klaus asked.

Sunny shrugged.

"Maybe he wants to chop our legs off and make us wear peg legs, like him," Violet said.

"Okay, he'd probably enjoy chopping our legs off, but beyond that, what would he gain?" Klaus asked.

Violet shrugged.

Klaus rested his chin in his hands and thought.

Hey, guys, I have a suggestion.

"Here we go," Violet sighed. I let that comment slide.

I think Olaf wants to become a pirate and make you guys be his crew.

"Why would he want to do _that?" _Klaus asked.

I shrugged. The Baudelaires groaned. The Wretched Window shattered. Everyone sat in silence and thought.

Wait… oh my God, you guys! _The Wretched Window shattered!_

"WHAT?" Sunny shrieked.

"When did that happen?" Violet said urgently, quickly rising from the bed and picking Sunny up.

I mentioned it casually when you guys were thinking about Olaf's plan! Get your butts to the library NOW!

The Baudelaires raced downstairs, calling Aunt Josephine's name and occasionally tripping over their own feet. They ran into the living room, but it was empty. The kitchen was empty, too, and the bowls of gruel hadn't been put away.

"Crap! Where _is _that woman?" Violet shouted, as Klaus frantically turned over chairs and tables looking for their guardian. Sunny kept a sharp eye out in case Aunt Josephine floated in from out of nowhere.

Uh, guys, there's a reason you can't find her. The noise came from the _library! _I already told you to go there! _Go to the freakin' library!_

"Okay, okay!" Violet and Klaus said, rushing off to the library.

"Jeez," Sunny muttered.

When they got to the library, all they saw was a Wretched Window with a giant person-shaped hole in it and pieces of glass all over the floor.

"Aunt Josephine!" screamed Violet. "Aunt Josephine!"

"Aunt Josephine!" shouted Klaus. "Aunt Josephine!"

"Washka!" yelled Sunny. She meant something like, "Hello? Anybody home?"

Klaus glanced at the ground and caught sight of a piece of paper. He picked it up and unfolded it. "Hey, guys, she left a note," he said to his sisters.

"What does it say?" Violet asked, stepping closer to him so she and Sunny could see the note.

Klaus read it out loud.

_Deer Vylet, Klowz, and Sunnie,_

_Im srry I did this, butt I comittid suicide cuz I didn't feel lyke livin no mores. U kidz probly don't git y I am so depressed, but I am, so deel wit it! My husbind dyed, so now my lyfe sukz. BTW, u guyz r gonna live wit Captin Sham now, cuz he rooles._

_Ant Jozafeene_

The Baudelaires exchanged a glance, not sure if they wanted to cry because Aunt Josephine was dead or if they wanted to laugh at all the typos she made.

After a few moments, Klaus dropped to his knees and banged his fists against the floor. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE US, AUNT JOSEPHINE?" he wailed at the broken window. "WHY MUST COUNT OLAF KEEP STALKING US? CURSE YOU, COUNT OLAF, OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS! AND CURSE YOU TOO, RANDOM, FOR WRITING THIS STUPID STORY! YOU SUCK!"

Violet and Sunny stared.

* * *

Author's Note: _Guess who's back?_

_First of all, I am so, so, SO sorry that I abandoned you all for so long. I cannot apologize enough. I blame life. But I'm back for good, and I will try to update a lot more frequently._


	5. Decoding The Stupid Message

Author's Note: _I know some people miss the outside references, but I promise they'll be back in Parody the Fourth. :) Be patient, my friends. Also, in this chapter, Gangsta Poe returns!_

* * *

**Chapter 5: Decoding The Stupid Message**

_Deer Vylet, Klowz, and Sunnie,_

_Im srry I did this, butt I comittid suicide cuz I didn't feel lyke livin no mores. U kidz probly don't git y I am so depressed, but I am, so deel wit it! My husbind dyed, so now my lyfe sukz. BTW, u guyz r gonna live wit Captin Sham now, cuz he rooles._

_Ant Jozafeene_

Violet and Sunny cracked up laughing once again as Klaus read the note for the millionth time. They felt bad for thinking Aunt Josephine's suicide was funny, but the numerous typos were just too hilarious, especially since Aunt Josephine was such a grammar freak.

"WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING?" Klaus screamed. He had stopped banging his fists on the floor and randomly crying, but he was still being a loudmouth. I was seriously considering putting a muzzle on him or something. "DEATH ISN'T FUNNY! AND I'M TRYING TO DECODE THE STUPID MESSAGE, SO JUST SHUT UP!"

Sunny laughed even harder, pounding her little fists against the floor with mirth. Violet stopped laughing and wiped tears from her eyes. "Klaus, will you calm down? You're going to go hoarse. And what do you mean, decoding the stupid message?"

"WELL—" KLAUS TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING, BUT I CUT HIM OFF WHEN I REALIZED HE SCREWED THE STORY UP WITH ALL HIS CAPS LOCK. I turned the Caps Lock button off and the story was better.

"Thanks," Klaus said to me. "I _was _getting sick of yelling. Okay, so, I don't think Aunt Josephine actually wrote this."

Violet gave him a weird look. "She signed it herself, she _was _upset about her husband, and she kind of had a thing for Olaf—"

"Conquistador," Sunny corrected.

"Oh, right," Violet giggled. Klaus glared at her. She stopped herself and finished her sentence. "I mean, all that stuff in her note was true, and like I said, she's the one who signed it. Why _wouldn't_ she have written it?"

Klaus looked at her, dumbfounded. "Um, have you _seen _this note?"

"Well, I saw it once, briefly," Violet said. "But you've been hogging it for the past hour."

She was right. The Baudelaires had been sitting on their butts in the library for the past hour. Klaus had been reading the note over and over again while his sisters laughed at the typos. Before that, Violet had gone to call Mr. Poe about Aunt Josephine being dead and all, and after fifteen minutes of unintelligible gangsta language and interruptions from the Gangster Gecko, she wasn't sure that he'd gotten the message. So she had hung up on him and come back to the library to make fun of the typos.

"Longish?" Sunny asked, which meant something like, "Are you done explaining stuff yet?"

Yeah, I am. Back to the story.

Klaus walked over to Violet and showed her the note. "You know it's full of typos," he said. "But why would Aunt Josephine do that? She loved grammar, and I'm guessing she was a stickler for spelling, too."

"She was about to jump out a window," Violet said. "When you're suicidal, you don't spend precious time agonizing over misspelled words."

Well, if _I_ was suicidal, I'd probably still worry about spelling and grammar in my suicide note. In fact, I'd probably worry so much about spelling and grammar that I'd forget why I was suicidal!

"That's just you," Violet said to me.

Klaus waited for Violet and I to stop talking, then tried to argue his point again. "Grammar was Aunt Josephine's _life_, though," he said. "It was the only thing she really, honestly cared about. She'd kill herself before she would make a grammar mistake!"

Uh, Klaus?

Klaus realized what he had just said, and blushed with embarrassment.

Sunny shook her head. "Nonna," she said, which meant something along the lines of, "If that was supposed to be a joke, it was in bad taste."

"Anyway, I don't think Aunt Josephine wrote the note," Klaus went on, his face still red. "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it."

"Okay, smarty-pants," Violet said. "You said you were trying to decode the stupid message. What's there to decode?"

"We have to figure out who actually wrote it," said Klaus. "And I'm positive I already know."

"Who?" asked Sunny.

Klaus jumped on top of the couch his sisters were sitting on, making sure to stand on a cushion that wasn't occupied. He drew himself up to his full height, and even stood on his tiptoes to make himself taller. "It was Count Olaf who wrote this note!" he declared, snatching the note back from Violet and wiggling it in the air.

Violet and Sunny blinked. He glanced down at them.

"What, you're not impressed?" he asked.

"When you get melodramatic, it kind of scares me," said Violet. Sunny nodded in agreement and made a thumbs-down sign at her brother.

Klaus sighed and stepped off the couch. "Seriously, though, I think Count Olaf wrote this," he said. "I mean, we know he's a moron, so I wouldn't put it past him to suck at spelling and grammar. And look at the handwriting!" He handed the note back to Violet.

She looked at the note, then looked at him, confused. "What about the handwriting?"

"Don't you think the handwriting looks like scribbles?" he asked. "It looks like someone wrote it in a hurry, or just didn't care."

"Yeah. And?" Violet said.

"_Count Olaf's handwriting looks like scribbles," _Klaus said testily, irritated that she didn't seem to understand what he was trying to say.

Violet looked at the note again, studying it more carefully this time. After a few minutes, she looked up at Klaus, her eyes wide. She remembered when she and her siblings had stayed at Count Olaf's place, and he'd given them lists of rules and notes about chores that had been written in horrible, scribbly, barely legible handwriting. "Oh my God. This _does _look like Olaf's handwriting."

"See? What'd I tell you?" Klaus said.

Violet squinted at the note, rereading it just as her brother had done. "You know what I think?" she said. "I think there's a secret message hidden in here."

Klaus blinked. "Secret message? Why would there be a secret message?"

"Weren't you trying to find a secret message?" Violet asked. "That's what you meant by 'decoding the stupid message,' right?"

"Um…" Klaus put his hands in his pockets and glanced down at his shoes, embarrassed again. "No. I didn't think of that," he said quietly. "I was just trying to figure out who really wrote it."

Violet rolled her eyes. "And you're supposed to be the smart one in this family?"

"Shut up!" Klaus said in a whiny voice.

"Don't start screaming again," said Violet. "Can you get a pencil and some paper so we can decipher this thing?"

Klaus stomped out of the library in search of a pencil and paper, muttering angrily about how he _was _the smart one in the family, he just had a momentary lapse of reason. He came back with a small black notepad and a pencil that had been sharpened so many times that it was now the size of a thumb. "Why would Olaf even want to send us a message?" he said, opening the notepad to a fresh page and still sounding upset about Violet calling him stupid.

"Hey, Random!" Violet shouted. "I did _not _call him stupid!"

Well, you kind of did.

"I just said he wasn't smart!"

"HEY!" Klaus yelled. We ignored him.

That's pretty much the same thing, though.

Violet sighed. "Whatever."

"Himsi?" Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "Hey, people, can we at least _try _to stay on topic? I mean, this chapter's already rushed and sucky, let's not make it suckier and more rushed."

Sorry. I'm having an off day. Nothing happens in Chapter 5, so I'm trying to make the most of it.

Violet yawned. "Sunny's right. This chapter sucks. Let's get a move on, shall we?"

Fine, have it _your _way. I'll get my revenge in _The Mischievous Mill_…

"What was that?" Violet asked suspiciously.

Nothing!

Violet narrowed her eyes in the general direction of my voice, then looked back at the note. (There's a lot of looking in this chapter, isn't there?) "So, I think Olaf wanted to taunt us with a hidden message, probably bragging about his superiority and how we're in his clutches and all," she explained, ignoring the stuff I wrote in parentheses. "The thing is, how do we find out what he's trying to say?"

"I'm on it," Klaus said, peering once more at the note. I'm getting _really _sick of that note. After a few minutes, he had come up with a theory. "I've got it! I'll bet you anything the misspelled words are actually clues." He pointed at one word. "See how Olaf wrote B-U-T-T instead of B-U-T? Maybe that means he was scratching his butt when he wrote this note!"

"Gross!" Sunny shrieked, covering her ears.

"Oh, that's just sick, Klaus!" Violet snapped. "Nobody wanted to know that!"

"Well, he's a pretty nasty guy," said Klaus. "Like you said, he's probably taunting us, and he's using his grossness to do it."

Is "grossness" a word? I didn't think it was, but the little red underline didn't show up, so maybe it's a word…

Klaus ignored my rambles. "It's a pretty Olaf-ish thing to do, don't you think?"

Sunny decided to uncover her ears and pipe in with her own opinion. "Wuwa!" she said, which meant something along the lines of, "I have an idea! Let's take all the missing letters that were supposed to be in the misspelled words, and try to make a message!"

"Huh?" said Violet.

Klaus thought it over, a smile slowly spreading across his face. "That's a good idea, Sunny," he said.

"What does she even mean?" Violet asked impatiently.

Klaus pointed at the first sentence of the note, the one that said 'Deer Vylet, Klowz, and Sunnie.' "See, instead of D-E-A-R, Olaf wrote D-E-E-R, like the animal. Then he wrote V-Y-L-E-T instead of V-I-O-L-E-T, K-L-O-W-Z instead of K-L-A-U-S—"

"Yeah, I see that! But what does it have to do with anything?" Violet asked.

"Sunny thinks the letters Olaf _didn't_ put in will form the message," Klaus said. "He left out an A, an I, an O, another A, a U, an S, and a Y in the first sentence. Those missing letters could be part of the message."

Violet blinked in confusion. "I don't get it. Why would Olaf try to make a secret message out of letters that aren't even in the note? He's not that smart."

Klaus realized she was right and covered his face with his hands, sinking into a couch cushion. "This is hopeless."

Sunny shrugged. "Shura," she said, which meant, "It was worth a shot."

"Is Mr. Poe coming?" Klaus asked miserably.

"I don't know," Violet said. "He didn't sound like he understood me. Besides, he probably forgot how to get here."

As if on cue, the doorbell rang as soon as Violet finished her sentence. The Baudelaires all looked at each other, unsure if it was Mr. Poe or Old Shammy. They got out of the library and went to the front door, Sunny baring her teeth just in case their enemy made an appearance. Violet motioned for her siblings to be quiet, then opened the door slowly.

"Yo! What up, my home-skillet biscuits?" Mr. Poe greeted. The Gangster Gecko was perched on his shoulder, wearing a tiny gold medallion and looking as cheerful as a reptile could. Without waiting for the Baudelaires to greet him or invite him in, Mr. Poe just barged into the house, his own dollar-sign-shaped medallion hanging from his neck and swinging everywhere. "I got the call from V, and I heard you guys were having a non-gangsta time." He suddenly bowed his head and became uncharacteristically serious. "Sorry 'bout your Aunt Jo, homies. Can't imagine what's goin' on in your minds right now."

"Yeah, guys," said the Gangster Gecko, bowing his little green head. "I remember how I felt when Monty bit the dust. I feel for ya."

Violet stared at them. She couldn't believe they were being so serious and sympathetic. Maybe she and her siblings had been wrong to think they were just a pair of morons. "Um…thanks, guys," she said. "Yeah, it hasn't been too good over here."

"Come on, Mr. Poe," Klaus said. "We need you to look at this note—"

"But we got some good news!" the Gangster Gecko said, his head rising up and his huge reptilian smile returning.

"Huh?" Sunny asked.

"Me and my gecko homie found a guy who can hook us up with a record producer!" Mr. Poe said happily.

* * *

Author's Note: _Mr. Poe always has to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, doesn't he?_

_Sorry for the chapter being sucky and rushed and short, but like I said, nothing really happens in Chapter 5 of _The Wide Window_ and I wanted to get it out of the way._

_By the way, if anyone was confused about the hidden message thing: Sunny thought Count Olaf was spelling words wrong on purpose, and the letters he left out would form a hidden message. Hope that clears things up._


End file.
